Normally, this would be enough to scare away any sane, rational person. Luckily for you, neither of these words can be used to describe me.
The premise of this movie is simple, a very fat female superhero carries around two swords and kills everyone that makes fun of her on her quest to find where all the good men have gone. Hint: They are being taken to concentration camps by Hitler. Also, she's a vampire.
Oh yeah, we're just getting started.
Tonight, I’m actually joined by a small group of friends who expressed interest in watching a Terrible Movie. We had a little trouble deciding just which movie to watch, but I promise you, we picked a good one. Well, maybe “good” isn’t the right word. You know what I mean. These are people I've known since high school and probably won't talk to me again after this.
The movie starts out very promising with a scene showing us a group of what appear to be rebel fighters mounting an attack on a Nazi compound. The scene looks well done and professional.
The rest of the movie is garbage.
The rebel fighters are able to push back the Nazis and come across a train full of Jews on their way to the concentration camp. Here, we meet the Captain, Nathaniel, and our token homosexual, Vadge, who febreezes the Jews and shuts them back in the train because "they smell like balls."
Shortly after we also meet up with our hero of the movie, Blubberella. This is a very large woman wearing a corset and trench coat who is going to murder some Nazis. She introduces herself very unenthusiastically and goes into a very poorly done "bullet time" sequence where everyone just moves slow for a moment while an animated bullet is fired across the screen.
We find out that Blubberella is looking for all the men that have messaged her on her Jewish Dating website, only to find that Hitler has been rounding them all up. So she joins the rebel fighters on their Hitler quest.
Almost immediately, Blubberella and Vadge start quarreling. She complains "He'd prison shank me if he got the chance. I think he'd cut out one of my kidneys and not even blink an eye." while he screams back "I'LL REACH UP YOUR PUSSY AND SNATCH THAT KIDNEY OUT OF YOU!" Obviously not a family oriented film, unless your dad is David Lynch.
In fact, that is the only positive thing about this movie. Every time Vadge speaks, it's funny. When Blubberella explains to the rebels that she's looking for her online date, Vadge yells, "Haha! You're lonely!" While Blubberella is complaining about something, Vadge again yells, "Would someone please put a dick in her mouth so she'll shut up already?!" Later, the group arrives at Blubberella's house and Vadge declares, "Oh god this place is a craphole. Anne Frank had better Fung Shui."
The plot progresses with our rebels and hero catching up to the Nazis and Blubberella getting captured. The Nazis have been looking for a way to make Hitler immortal, and believe that Blubberella's blood is the key. Unfortunately for the Nazis, anyone who drinks her blood just gains about a hundred pounds.
The movie has several parts that try way too hard to be funny. Such as the 10 minute "Precious" parody that stops being funny about 40 seconds in, yet continues for another 9 minutes 20 seconds. There is a part where Blubberella has a dream that she goes on a date with Hitler himself (Played by the Director, Uwe Boll), and again, this "joke" goes on for about 10 minutes past when it stops being funny. This happens way too often.
The movie does have a few parts that are funny, like when Blubberella escapes the Nazis while riding a Segway and the part when two whores stuff two rolling pins in her vagina, which she removes to melee battle some Nazis moments later.
Clint Howard has a role in this movie, and being the creepy fuck that he is, he fits right in. He has memorable lines such as, "Fuck my donkey!" and "You gotta quit smokin' that crack." He plays the Nazi Doctor that thinks Blubberella's blood will make Hitler immortal. He's not known for being a great actor, and shit like this certainly isn't helping.
Final Thoughts:
This movie is garbage. I watched this movie with a small group of friends, and two of them left about halfway through it. One person fell asleep. We had a few drinks and sat down to watch this movie, and the movie was so bad we sobered up almost immediately. If you like an hour and a half of homophobic fart and wiener jokes, by all means, watch Blubberella. Otherwise, stick with worthwhile activities, like licking the floor of a public restroom or smelling random people on the subway.
At one point during the movie, two of my friends left the room to smoke. They came back about 30 minutes later, severely disappointed that the movie was still going.
This movie is a hoot and we had a lot of laughs and fun watching it.
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