Vampires LesbiansI know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Nigel, how can a movie that contains all these awesome things be terrible?"
A Mexican Luchador
A Priest with a Mohawk
Jesus H Christ, himself
I'll show you.
Our movie starts out simply enough, we see random city imagery and hear what is supposed to be the thoughts and prayers of people all over the world talking to and thinking about Jesus. The thoughts quickly turn angry and begin cursing Jesus' name while maintaining an overall "whine" to them. You'll notice at this point that the voices sound like they were recorded with a Zack Morris phone and played from the next room over. You also may be tempted to forgive this lack of quality because, hey, it's people's thoughts, maybe it's supposed to sound like the actors are talking through pillows. No. The entire movie sounds this bad.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, BAM!, a preacher appears who wishes to impart the word of God upon you, but only succeeds in putting the fear of God in you. He also may want to put something else in you. A little something-something, if you get what I'm saying. You feel me? It's his penis. He wants to rape you.
This movie was produced in 2001 and yet appears to have been filmed on 8-track, or whatever we had before VHS. It's garbage, that's all you really need to know. The picture quality looks like old homemade porn, the audio sounds like tin-cans and a string, and the whole movie is actually dubbed. They had the actors go out and do whatever it is they thought they were doing (Don't call it acting, I prefer "flailing wildly"), then went back later and recorded a vocal track to put over it. This leads to terrible synchronization that makes Kung Fu movies look Oscar-worthy.
Our story begins with a vampire attack on a nurse in the hospital parking lot. We watch as the vampire dry humps the nurse for a moment, then, without any kind of struggle whatsoever, bites her neck, killing her. You may ask yourself, "Why didn't she put up a fight or struggle?" Because she's a terrible actor. Fast forward to a Priest and a Clergyman discussing the vampire attacks and how they know just the person to handle it.
Jesus is summoned and, after a vampire attack on the beach, he sets out to put an end to these shenanigans. The beach scene is probably my favorite because in the background, you can see a family with kids playing in the sand. Jesus leaves, gets a haircut and some piercings, and decides now is a good time to break out in song and dance.
Jesus goes to a thrift store and is told, "You need to look less conspicuous" by a woman wearing shiny, red latex (pleather?) suit. After a trying on several different outfits, Jesus decides on jeans and a tight black shirt, Anderson Cooper-style.
During this movie, Jesus is doing one of two thing, he is either being attacked, or is on his way to be attacked.
The first group of people to attack identify themselves as "The Atheists." They bring with them a Jeep Wrangler full of people. When I say full, I don't mean "The Jeep Wrangler seats four people comfortably, so I would assume four people step out of the vehicle." No, I mean, "Oh god, 30 people just got out of that Jeep."
When Jesus isn't getting attacked by Vampires or Atheists, he is meeting up with very colorful characters such as "Mary Magnum", the 13th Apostle in a shiny, red, skin-tight pleather suit. Or perhaps El Santos, the Luchador and his assistant, Gloria Oddbottom. Ms. Oddbottom had no speaking roles, however, every time she walked on screen, someone would grab her ass. The scene when Jesus and Santos were trying to get away from the Paparazzi and they told Jesus to move so they could get a better picture of Santos was pretty great.
Jesus also finds himself performing in a nightclub where he discovers all the patrons are vampires. This leads to a big brawl where a blind man impales a vampire on his blind walking stick, killing him. Jesus throws a handful of drumsticks into a crowd of vampires, all of them sticking into their chest like darts. And Jesus' homeboy, Santos, picks a vampire up and brings her spine down on his knee. Dude's a beast.
Jesus, with the aid of Santos, infiltrates the vampire's lair. He turns and says "If I'm not back in 5 minutes, call the Pope."
So with Santos' help, we arrive at both the "big reveal" and my favorite line of dialogue in the entire movie. We find out that the Vampires have been specifically targeting Lesbians because if you graft their skin to yours, it keeps you from dying when you go out in the sun. The doctor they've got helping perform the skin grafts exclaims, "We are running dangerously low on skin. I suggest we harvest another lesbian." This is an idea I fully support.
Jesus ends up killing the Doctor after a long, drawn out fight scene where the Doctor keeps using various body parts from a corpse as weapons. At one point he ties kidneys to hit fists and uses them as some kind of crude "Kidney Knuckles." He then tries to strangle Jesus with some intestines. Jesus overcomes the Doctor and the "head vampire" and everyone cheers and breaks out into a rousing chorus of "It's all good, it's all right. Everybody gets laid tonight!"
Then the movie ends and I'm slightly more dead inside.
The movie had a promising story. I feel like there is strong potential in the idea of Jesus fighting Lesbian Vampires. This movie squanders any potential by using the cheapest available film grade and apparently someone's cell phone to record the sound. The actors overact at every possible opportunity, often flailing wildly instead of actually expressing emotion. I feel like they are overcompensating because they know that their voices aren't currently being recorded and want to make sure they get the emotion across without it.
The writing is bland and at times terrible, although, I will admit that I laughed at several times. Namely, "I suggest we harvest another Lesbian", "If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope", and all uses of the "Jesus Signal", a cross that spins on the wall and screams "JEEEESUSSSSSSSSS!!!".
And, if that's not bad enough, this movie is offered on Blu-Ray, buy it as a Christmas (Oh, the irony!) gift for someone you hate.