Sunday, March 18, 2012

A movie about DDR battles, what the hell?!

This entire review was based on notes taken while watching "The FP" movie while drunk.  It will not make sense, and i will sort it out later, when I'm sober.  God bless America.

Sitting down in the theater, got my DR Pepper bottle half whiskey ready to go.  Here with Dewey, Dan, Toya and a Spainard named Sito.  What is this?  What?  Oh my god this movie is horrible.  I'm typing this out because I won't remember much of it in the AM.  First part of movie, gang wars with lots of Konami specific lingo, "187" and lots of shit talking.  No black people whatsoever.  Lots of fake "this is what black people sound like" talk.  A man literally died playing DDR. "beat beat revolution".  Fucking gang wars with territory decided by DDR games.  Every sentence contains the word shit or fuck.  I literally hate everyone involved in the creation of this film. YOU GOTTA EARN STREET CRED AND SHIT. Come talk to my boy BLT hes a motherfucking sandwich and the nigga doesn't even know it.  My.phone autocorrects nigga to.buffalo..  Every sentence spoken out loud makes me want to kill myself.  Winner of tournament owns liquor store, now no one can drink, now bums are going straight edge, now no one feeds the ducks.  It's fucking chaos and anarchy.  Basement shrine to dead DDR player.    There are zero black people still.  They keep referencing 187 and don't explain what it is.  This movie is literally aimed at aging DDR players and its sad.  Training montage.  Courtney love wanna be is Jthrows girlfriend.  Boy lives in a tent because he doesn't have enough street CRED to sleep on the couch.  She aspires to be a stripper, aim high birch.  Snake Plisken better get his shit together.  Here are some giant fucking shoes, they belonged to your dead brothers.  "one hundred percent beat beat nigga boots".  "clown shoe ass wearing mother Fucker.  Bitch, you suck you some fine ass Dick".  "you kept trying to pee on the tv and shit" after spiked meth drink.  You've climbed your way up the chain, you can sleep on the couch now.  No.more tent for you, all.bugs and shit.  Gave that bitch a tampon as a present. "I <3 FP" on her shirt.  Here lies BTRO.  Super training montage. "yo nig, we doing spaghettio waffle sandwiches in an hour".  "me and homeboy are done, D. U. N.". Oh my god an abortion joke.  "the coat hanger fixed that right up.".  "you gots to know the true meaning of being a.beat beat nigga.  Be all the nigga you can be.". Final bbr battle for control of the FP.  Tore off his eye patch.  Horrible.American anthem with the words "ghetto", "fucking",  and "faggot" in it.  Beautiful.  Such poignant dialouge as "imma fuck yo ass up dumbshit".  I hate everything and everyone.  Bad guy is "L Dubba E", good guy is "J Tro".  Man in audience groping errant tit. As someone who played DDR for years, this is physically upsetting. BAD GUY LOST final battle, got hit in the face with a condom. Oh great now at the end of the movie you have a gun fight.  You know, after the fucking DDR gang war.  No one was hit with a single bullet.  Surprise, the DDR players are terrible shots.  Asian guys name is KCDC.  Final (actual) fight in the parking lot of a gas station. Nigga - never ignorant at getting goals accomplished.  Shits tough in the FP.  Final scene is going in for a kiss, nope, blowjob.  Fuck this.  Fuck everything about this.

4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Haha, agreed. Be sure to check out the review that was done once I sobered up.

      http://www.terriblemoviesforterriblepeople.com/2012/03/fp-2012.html

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    2. 187 means death, or to die.

      its some from south central

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    3. Yep, I've since learned this. The entire post was typed out on a cell phone while watching this movie drunk in a theater. It's hardly coherent. Thanks for reading, tho. :)

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